I had a conversation last night with a dear person to me (an ex-high school colleague with whom I’ve been really close) who said something that really stayed with me. She told me she felt like her whole life had been guided by other people’s opinions (by what others thought of her, what they expected from her) and that only now, at 26, she’s realizing how much that shaped who she became. She said she feels like she’s no one, because so much of her life was built on what others wanted her to be
That gave me goosebumps, because I think many of us go through the same thing at some point (I say “many” because most don’t want to act on this realization or don’t even want to reflect on these things at all). We live trying to be accepted, trying to fit in, trying not to disappoint. And all we end up doing is mistaking those borrowed shapes for who we really are
But one thing that I love about having this realization is that it’s never too late to have it. My father realized it at 40-something. She realized it at 26. I happily realized it when I was 18 or so (still in high school). It is always on time, because I believe everything before that moment had to happen so you could see yourself clearly now. (If it had come sooner, you wouldn’t have realized it, or wouldn’t have learned the needed lessons)
I told her (and I believe this with all my heart) that what’s happening to her, the way she feels (like a nobody), isn’t a loss at all, but rather a process of removing what doesn’t belong to her
Like a piece of art. The best works of art aren’t the ones overloaded with words, colors, or sounds. They’re the ones where every unnecessary element has been stripped away, where what’s left is minimal yet feels so true
We first add everything to them, and then start refining by removing what doesn’t belong to them. And I believe that this is what growth really is. It’s not adding more, but removing more
We grow by unlearning everything that isn’t us, not by adding more🌹
